Charades

Haven't written because I have been so busy, but as I don't seem to have anyone to disappoint, it's not that big of a deal, right?

Actually, I am trying to get back to the love of blogging. Don't get me wrong, I love the written word, love analyzing myself and everyone else to death, love documenting for future analysis, it's just that I am not, nor have I ever been, that consistent.

I wrapped up my last blog after nearly four hundred posts, and I have started like, three blogs since then, but since my main one, I just can't keep it going after thirty posts. Anyway, I was quite busy with a new time-suck job, and crashing out an hour after I got home, with birthdays and Mother's Day, with my best friend's new husband and double dates...

No excuses. I've got to try harder.

With my relationship too. I've just sort of let that go. Not the togetherness part, but the intimacy, the kink, submission. Well, submission has been a struggle for me since the very beginning. He says he wants this relationship, but we seem to need to get into the headspace for it. That wasn't what I had expected. I thought that we did that cause we lived at a distance, but here we've been together for quite a while, and we have no problem with the little manageable, daily intimacies (grooming, showering together, picking up food from each other's plates), but we have to transform into our DS roles.

It's hard for it to feel authentic. It's hard for me to go from chatting and shooting the shit, to him scolding me or warning me not to do something. First thing in my head? Who the fuck do you think YOU are? Not your [what I would call, in the strictest sense of the word] typical sub behavior. Second thoughts? You could have asked nicely, I would have just done it. We're not even doing that right now. I might have, but definitely not now...

Etc.

And when it doesn't feel authentic, like one of us has decided it's time, and switches into those roles, but the other is going: Wait, what? We're doing that now? I was just about to make rice... It's even harder to get into it. Sometimes, impossible.

So I haven't had anything to talk about. And this part, which is a real part of kink, more real to me than our bedroom roles, probably, it gets ignored. But I am still resentful about it. I still have this very unfair (yes), selfish (granted) part of me that says: Hey, I fucking signed up for a DS/kink lifestyle!! It should just be happening all the time! I shouldn't have to orchestrate it! I shouldn't feel sabu-ed by it! I'm not even sure you can think clearly enough for the long-haul it would take to wait me out, to actually dominate me. I am submitting so I can get back to the rice, dammit! MAKE ME!! Show me you can make me!!

And he's waited me out before, but it's often been such a mess of emotions with crying and yelling, and spilled drinks, horrible whispered insults, threats of ending the relationship, moving away...

It's made me afraid to push to the edge that it would take for him to actually break me, to stomp all the negative, doubting thoughts I have at the idea of him dominating me.

And it's not all his fault. I don't think that really. It has been sloppy from the beginning because we're new to it, we're trying to simultaneously build this relationship and our public one. He is allowing me the freedom to have opinions, challenge his (on a short leash), to make suggestions, to be flippant and have a sense of humor, to want to watch my own shows, eat my own meals, choose my own career. He's trying to separate these things a little, because how else do you make it work? He doesn't want a little automaton that can parrot back his words. We both value growth of our perspectives and ideas, of analyzing and testing our thoughts.

It would be very tidy if he could just say: Vote for Clinton this year. And my mind would be made up and I would do it, no thinking necessary.

But neither of us would be happy.

Instead he says: Did you see that last phone speech she gave? What did you think of that?

And we discuss it, and sometimes I come around, and sometimes he comes around, and often, we don't change our minds, but also often, we have similar opinions...

And maybe one day, he'll do all that, and then say: It's voting day. I value all of your opinions on her politics. I think you make a good point that she is removed, an elitist in sheep's clothing, and cares mostly about saving face. I'd like you to vote for her.

And I would.

In a perfect world.

I'm crafty about that sort of thing. But perhaps that's a problem itself. I even call it 'crafty', like is some cutesy, cartoonishly-devious mischeif, not the flagrant disobedience that it actually is. I need to take him seriously and not always look for ways to bend around the rules, to dismiss him. I tell myself: It's the principal. He wants me to piss in the shower. So I say, "YesSir" but after the first time, it's back to the toilet. He thinks I am being obedient, right? It's the motions that are important.

But it IS the principal.

He's not checking cause he trusts that when I say I will, I will. And bending the rules makes me think that I've gotten away with something, that I am the smart one, that I have the upper hand. And then, I can smirk to myself, but I never learn the humiliation, the gratitude I should have for him allowing me to use the toilet. I never learn that he has the control. See? It's my own fault in part. Sometimes, I wish that he would check up though. I wish he wouldn't be so trusting, that he would make me afraid to lie. But wishful thinking could be topping from the bottom, so I never want to say it out loud.

In any case, we have a ways to go. But I'm glad we're doing it together.